This week has been quite good, but full of ups and downs. After my Monday night session I started the week really positive, making a conscious effort to focus on the good stuff in my life.
For the first couple of days I actually drove to work with a smile on my face and felt like I could tackle anything. What an amazing feeling! Whenever bad thoughts crept in I managed to observe them and just let them pass. People were swerving in front of me, cutting me off in the traffic, and I was smiling at them! I felt like I was a million miles away from the stresses of city life and just floating along on my own happy cloud.
I wasn’t sure who this new person was, but I liked her. I was also felt quite proud, because being so positive is certainly not something that comes naturally to me…
Let me put this into a bit more context.
Lately, I’ve been crying on the way to work at least one or two times a week. I guess I do it because I feel that in all other facets of my life I have to put on a brave face and avoid showing people these raw emotions. I’ve always been quite guarded, but lately my emotions are so close to the surface that I find it increasingly difficult to swallow my tears. My drive to work is the one time when I’m by myself; it doesn’t matter if I bawl. So over the last couple of months, my usual modus operandi has been to give in, put on my sunglasses, crank up some sad music, and wallow like a baby! This week was different – I felt a change and I liked it. Unfortunately though, as much as I wanted to and as much as I tried, I just didn’t seem to be able to hang on to that elusive glow. As the week marched on, the shine wore off.
By Thursday, the usual knot in my stomach had returned. That morning I gave myself a triple dose of meditation but it didn’t seem to help. Then, by Saturday, I missed out on my meditation completely. It’s not that I forgot – I actually thought about it and decided I couldn’t face being alone with my thoughts for too long. I just wasn’t in the right headspace.
My weekends are usually full of exciting distractions, but my husband’s gone away for a couple of weeks so I’ve been forced into spending more time alone than I usually would. I arranged to catch up with a few friends, but I could tell (and they could too) that I wasn’t great company. I found it really hard to see their kids running around playing and although I tried to focus on the conversation at hand, I wasn’t really ‘present’.
Although these friends know about my struggle with infertility, they have been bringing it up in discussion less and less. I think they know how volatile I am and don’t want to set me off, but it’s become like a bit of an elephant in the room. They can tell it’s hurting me to see their children, and I’m trying desperately to hide my discomfort. So hanging out is no longer as natural and easy as it used to be. It still angers me that I can’t help these emotions…
When I decided to skip my meditation on Saturday, I promised myself I’d get some exercise instead and try to snap myself out of the barrage of negative thoughts I was experiencing. So I woke up Sunday morning, put on my joggers and took my dog to a nearby bush track. After spending most of Saturday wallowing and sad, getting out and about on Sunday morning was just what I needed. Looking back at the city from the gap in the trees made me feel like I was a hundred miles away again, which was incredibly soothing. Again, I felt myself calming down and chilling out. I actually ended up having a lovely end to the week after all.
Overall, this week’s been interesting. I really felt what people refer to when they talk about that relaxed ‘inner glow’. But I also experienced it rapidly fade while I saw myself spiral back into negative self-talk and anxiety-ridden sadness. I guess the good thing is that I know how to get myself out of the darkness, but I just have to keep committing and not let the lethargy of my grief weigh me down. Ultimately, whatever works for me from day to day will change and I just need to go with the flow. So, on the cusp of the new week ahead, I’m committing now to judging myself far less often and savouring the good things in life. I’m sure the coming week will be another roller coaster ride, but I’m belted in and hanging on for the trip – even during the big dips.