Week 3 of Chloe's Journey

This last week has been a good one. I can feel some of the things I’m learning in the course begin to sink in and slowly become habit. This week I’ve also been focusing on the things I’m most grateful for.

I mentioned in my last post that my husband is away on a trip with some mates. He’s spent the last few months planning this trip and has been so excited about going. I love to see him doing what he enjoys and have shared his excitement, but at the same time, I’ve also been quietly dreading being left for a whole fortnight, alone with my thoughts.

If you take the time to sit down and observe the endless cascade of thoughts that flow in and out of your mind, it’s quite astonishing how many of them are either self-deprecating or related to the negative things going on in your life. For me, and I’m sure for most others who are battling with infertility, many of these thoughts are focused on this struggle; it’s like the issue of infertility becomes a filter for everything else that’s going on. When you see children playing in a park it would normally make you smile, but instead it makes you cry because you relate it back to your own struggles. Soon, everything becomes filtered through the ‘infertility lens’. It’s as if it sucks the goodness out of every moment.  

Noticing this is the first step; taking stock of how all encompassing this journey can be is quite confronting. The good news for me is that it was equally liberating to come to the realisation that I have full control over my thoughts and could turn this vicious cycle on its head.

This week I’ve tried to focus on the good stuff and breathe in every enjoyable moment, whether it’s just laying on our outdoor sofa reading a book, taking the dog for her early morning walk, or enjoying the first cup of coffee in the morning (decaffeinated of course!). But more than that, I’m also choosing to do more things that bring me joy and trying not to feel guilty about it. I’m making every attempt I can to be a true hedonist.

Whether or not it’s related to the above, I’ve felt a sense of calmness this week that’s very rare for me. Where I would usually have a few days a week feeling very glum, the majority of my week has been a relative breeze. It’s early days and I know that I’ll still have down times, but something seems to be clicking...

After taking more notice of my thoughts this week, something that really struck home for me was how much negativity I’ve been bringing into my relationships with friends and family. If anybody asks me how things are going, I too often jump straight to the bad stuff. Now, looking back, I’m not sure it’s just been me pulling away from people – I think perhaps some of my friends have pulled away from me a bit too and to be honest, I can’t really blame them. It’s not that they wouldn’t be there for me if I asked them… they would be – they are beautiful people. But hearing constant negativity must grate on them and, over time, wear them down in the same way as it’s worn me down.

So, after spending more time practicing positivity for myself this week, I’m now making a commitment to spreading that positivity outwards as well. If I can focus on that, I know I’ll be doing wonders for myself, but also for my beautiful friends and family…