Just before the storm life was calm, things were on track – job, partner, house (well mortgage), all pretty much as I had planned, or at least expected.
So, time for a baby. Well, if you listened to family it was past time – “isn’t it about time, you’re not getting any younger you know.” Of course I know I’m not getting any younger, heck, I’m only in my 30’s, lots of women are having their families later now. Honestly, who starts a family straight out of school nowadays?
Trying was fun. Having sex, whenever we liked, no contraception, at first it felt like a bit of an adventure. It won’t take long I thought. Both healthy, intelligent, loving people, not long at all. Wrong! So very, very wrong!
After a few months it started, the thoughts – “what if there is something wrong with me?” “Why isn’t this happening?” then, more months, nothing. He seemed fine, not worried, well at least he didn’t show it. “It will happen when it’s supposed to” he said, well, now is when it’s “supposed to”.
More months, something is definitely wrong. Now not telling anyone. Silent worries, sometimes, silent tears on the toilet, as I look at confirmation, not this month, not your time just yet.
Then the storm hit. Why am I edgy, moody all the time? Why? Well isn’t it obvious? I’m worried. Worried there is something wrong, something very, very wrong. Worried we need to talk to someone, NOW! “Not yet” he says, “it’s early days.” “Ah, no it isn’t. This could take forever, we need to do something now!”
The storm rages. Arguments over talking to someone, moods, snapping at each other, no rest from it. No more coffee, get fit, lose weight, wear looser clothing – “don’t overheat those swimmers.” Constantly watching temperature, ovulations, dates. Every moment of the day spent thinking and thinking, about what are we doing wrong, what do we need to do right?
Then a friend suggested I look at complimentary therapies – you know yoga, acupuncture, naturopathy, the list goes on. The one thing that did make sense was to regain some calm so that I could face the next step, whatever that may be.
I needed a group. I needed a program. I needed help that knew what I was going through, and could listen, and support, and offer strategies.
I know now there are things I can control and things I can’t, and thinking about things, worrying, doesn’t control things, it just makes me more and more anxious. More and more depressed.
I have learnt to breathe. At every, and any opportunity, breathe. Follow the breath fully in, down in to my belly, down as far as I can. Follow it out, all the way out. That breath that nourishes my body, calms my mind. That breath is now my best friend. It’s always with me, no matter where I am or whom I’m talking to. Breathe at work, when they continue to say – “your turn must be next for Mat Leave.” Breathe. Breathe getting out of the car to go to a family barbecue. Kids everywhere, running, playing, laughing. I love them but …….. breathe.
My minis (mini meditations) are a godsend. They can interrupt the avalanche of thoughts that drive me out of control. Breathe. I can cope with another appointment, more bloods, more poking, more waiting. I can cope. Breathe. The calm after the storm is here, if I breathe.